By Julie Stachowiak, Ph.D., About.com Guide
Updated September 27, 2012
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board
For the past couple of years, I have noticed that my cognitive dysfunction is slowly becoming a bigger impediment. I have much more trouble keeping up with conversations involving more than one person, my rhythm is off during conference calls, and I forget to deal with things that are really important, only remembering when my lapse has caused a problem for someone else.
Until recently, I have been able to convince myself that everyone has memory problems on occasion, or that my thinking will get "snappy" again once I have rested. Now, it's become harder to talk myself out of getting pretty emotional about the whole thing. I actually went through a battery of cognitive testing a couple years ago and the results showed that I had lost several IQ points, among other issues with memory and attention span.
I guess it's taken time, but I've come to the point where I am acknowledging that those IQ points are lost forever. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure that I have given up a couple more since the testing. Looking at it in the harsh light of day is pretty unpleasant. I have gone through pretty much every negative emotion in my self-examination. When I experience these feelings, I do not have a temper tantrum or find myself weeping dramatically while draped over my couch. Instead, it is more like a slow burn of negativity that I have to pull myself out of in order to keep going with my days.
I have put together some of my ideas on these emotions around my cognitive dysfunction and how I grapple with them in the hopes that perhaps someone will identify with how I am feeling and maybe even be helped by my approach to getting myself out of the emotional pits.
Anger
Although anger about my loss of neurons happens rarely, it does happen. Usually, it is combined with being angry that I forgot something or said something that didn't quite make sense at an important moment. I don't mind being angry very much, because it is short-lived. Even in my most confused state, I realize that being mad doesn't get me very far.
However, I think it is very important that we allow ourselves to feel the anger when it comes. It is a legitimate emotion and we are entitled to embrace the unfairness of MS on occasion. We have all heard well-meaning people say that a positive outlook is important to dealing with our disease. I maintain that while long-term anger can be destructive, especially if it starts to impact our relationships with others, a brief burst of pure rage can be cathartic in a way. I recommend talking to someone close to you and asking him or her just to listen (and not to offer any words of encouragement at that time). By the end of your "discussion," you will probably feel much better.
Sadness
This is where most of my negative emotional time around my cognitive dysfunction is spent. Since I was little, it was pretty clear that I would never compete in the Olympics or fill a concert hall with my fans. However, I always thought I could rely on my brains. I used to be really smart. Now, I don't think I am – certainly not as smart as I used to be. That makes me sad beyond belief. It is almost like I lost a friend that was supposed to stick with me until my old age. Now she has left and I am lonely.
I try not to be too hard on myself when I am feeling acutely sad. I read books that are a little less challenging, putting aside the more complicated articles and literature for the times when I am feeling more able to process them. I try to be kind to myself, picturing a life where I am still enjoying many things, maybe just not creating them or being in the mix of intellectual discussion at the highest level.
I can picture a nice life, maybe just not what I had always thought I would be doing. I guess I do have to admit, however, the sadness never really goes away completely.
Frustration
Frustration is a relative of anger. I get very frustrated when I can't multitask or when I drop things that I really intended to get done. I get frustrated when I just cannot find that word that I want to use and end up sounding stupid, even after taking a long time to find a substitute word or explanation. However, for me, frustration is like anger in that it burns itself out quickly. I usually deal with my frustration by trying to think of a "workaround" solution to prevent the situation from happening again (which may or may not really work, but makes me feel better in the moment).
Guilt
I used to feel guilty when I forgot things. I guess I still do, but I forgive myself very quickly. Guilt is a useless emotion when it comes to cognitive dysfunction and I really don't let myself wallow in guilt very much anymore. If you do end up causing problems for someone or hurting someone because of cognitive dysfunction, the best thing to do is to offer a sincere apology.
Jealousy
This is another place that I don't recommend visiting very often. Sure, other people do not have the same problems with their executive functioning. Other people can keep up a witty repartee while preparing dinner and watching the baby. Coworkers can get kudos at work for a presentation that you could have done better if only you didn't have MS.
While I understand jealousy, it really doesn't help anything. It can only serve to make you feel resentful of other people and then feel bad about yourself for having these emotions. If you really can't help feeling jealous of someone's fully-myelinated brain, you may want to talk to someone – either a friend or even a therapist, to get these feelings out of your system.
Bottom Line
We are human. Humans are emotional creatures and many of the emotions we experience are not positive, especially when things are taken away from us. Cognitive dysfunction in all of its forms does represent a loss. Experience these emotions, acknowledge them, but realize that you are more than these lapses or frustrating moments. Be kind to yourself.
